A Guide to Overcoming Holiday Anxieties - What To Do When Your Relative Says THAT Racist (or Sexist, or Homophobic etc.)Thing, Again
Are you concerned about spending upcoming holidays with bigoted relatives who are sure to say racially loaded things, maybe even in front of your impressionable children - AGAIN? Feeling like you want to stand up for your beliefs, but not quite sure what to say that won't just make things worse? As a white woman, I'm all too familiar with this situation myself, so I've put together this Holiday Tip Sheet. Bookmark it and arm yourself with five simple techniques to keep yourself both sane and humane this holiday season!
Get centered
Take a breath, feel your feet on the ground, count to five, whatever you need to do to become aware of how your body is feeling.
Restate & Clarify
“I think I heard you say X.” Get as close to their original wording as you can. And, be prepared to realize that’s not what they meant to say, or for them to soften the statement just from having attention drawn to it. Either way, plan to talk about it - using a Call-In or a Call-On - with them privately and soon.
Get curious
If dialogue can only happen from a place of commonality, we’re doomed. Instead of looking for common ground, ask about the un-common. “What do you mean by that?” or "Tell me more." or "Why is that?"
Don’t try to win
Your job is just to push the pause button on their internal monologue. By some estimates, people need to hear a new idea at least six times before they adopt it. If you see no progress, don’t fret - this may only be time number three. Or one. But you've gotten it started, and you didn't just let it slide.
Consider the scope
Unless your racist relative is an Elected Official, CEO or Executive Director with the ability to influence systemic inequities, their comments don’t have as large of an impact in the world as they do at your dinner table. Remember that we need to focus on the systemic level in order to create significant change.
Need some help with all this?
Sometimes a little coaching can shift you out of your stuck place. Contact me for a free, 30-minute introductory coaching session. At Embody Equity, there's guidance to your next step and permission to be a learner about race.
For more detail on calling people out/in/on and off, check out my article, Leadership and the Anatomy of Calling Out, In, On and Off - Or, How Should I Respond to a Racist Remark? If your concern is with colleagues rather than relatives, take a look at Creating an Organizational Call-In Culture: Power, Position and Purpose.